My Hose

[debbiem]

I absolutely HATE my hose,
The source of all my garden woes,
You'd think the plants would sing with glee
At the sight of gardener me,
A lovely drink would just be magic,
But the end result is usually tragic.
That thing has a mind all of its own,
The poor plants see it and they groan,
On flower beds it snakes around,
And curls itself along the ground,
It won't go where I want it to,
On flower beds it twines right through
And ends up going the other way,
That flippin' hose has had its day.
And what about the wobbly spray,
A game with me it likes to play,
It starts off working perfectly,
Then off it drops and soaking me,
Those poor old flowers, their poor dry stems,
I get the drink instead of them.
When all is well, or so I think,
It's at that time it gets a chink,
No water coming out the end,
Since on inspection there's a bend.
When irritation's at it's height,
It clings to everything in sight,
And won't be pulled off its new friend,
It really drives me round the bend!
It's tripped me up, the plants it's bashed,
Stems snapped off their poor hopes dashed
Of ever getting big and strong,
With Hose around it all goes wrong.
I hate that plastic yellow thing,
It's my demise it wants to bring.


Anyone feel the same about theirs? ;D

And can anyone recommend a good alternative watering system?
That hose takes all the joy out of watering the garden, there's nearly always an incident!

[roan]

We have three hoses and they are all like yours! Can't someone invent a hose that behaves! Where possible we have installed permanent hoses with little sprinklers for the plants. They work very well especially for our Orchids that like a mist spray.

[debbiem]

That's the kind of thing we were discussing Roan, a permanent set-up with a fine spray rather than Victoria Falls plummeting onto the plants from a height! We have high walls in our garden along the back of the flower bed and we were thinking of rigging up something along there.
And maybe some of those water retaining granules for the baskets and troughs - they are so hard to water if they get that bit too dry, and ther coir linings - down the water cascades through them, as if there's nothing there holding it in.

[roan]

Jul 22, 2008 22:54:36 GMT 1 @debbiem said:

That's the kind of thing we were discussing Roan, a permanent set-up with a fine spray rather than Victoria Falls plummeting onto the plants from a height! We have high walls in our garden along the back of the flower bed and we were thinking of rigging up something along there.
And maybe some of those water retaining granules for the baskets and troughs - they are so hard to water if they get that bit too dry, and ther coir linings - down the water cascades through them, as if there's nothing there holding it in.

Run the hose alone the walls and you can choose to have the water come down on the plants or directly on to the soil so as not to affect your blooms. You can use fittings that just drip or soak as well. Those coir lined hanging baskets can be a problem. We use sphagnum moss which seems to retain the water better.

[debbiem]

Thanks Roan - that set-up would work perfectly.

I don't think we'll be getting coir again! I'll look out for the moss next year.

[roan]

Jul 22, 2008 23:01:18 GMT 1 @debbiem said:

Thanks Roan - that set-up would work perfectly.

I don't think we'll be getting coir again! I'll look out for the moss next year.

With our watering system we have a series of taps so that we can water some areas and not others. Our water pressure is not great so we cannot water all at once also it means we can vary the amounts different plants get.

[Sweetleaf]

Theres a type of seepage hose, made of recycled tyres which you snake in amongst the plants and leave it permanently in place, apparently they are very good although I dont have one.

I laughed aloud when I read your poem Debbie......so true!

[debbiem]

Thanks Sweetleaf, it played a blinder today, all of the above!

I like the idea of the seepage system too, that would also work really well.


Thanks for these ideas folks - that hose really has had its day.

[4pygmies]

Jul 22, 2008 23:12:15 GMT 1 @debbiem said:

Thanks Sweetleaf, it played a blinder today, all of the above!

I like the idea of the seepage system too, that would also work really well.


Thanks for these ideas folks - that hose really has had its day.

WONDERFUL poem, Debbie! ;D

The seepage hose is not as wonderful as it sounds...I had one in the PT and it drove me mad as it kept getting blocked up and I was never sure how much had actually been watered..
I don't know if it's a system you could adopt but I have always remembered Geoff Hamilton's simple but effective way of getting a hose around a garden without massacring half the plants - he tapped in stakes at the pertinent points and the hose was pulled around them, he even made them into a decorative feature by sticking a pretty finial on the top. It worked really well with raised beds, but I can't see why it couldn't be adapted to suit any garden...

[madonplants]

Jul 22, 2008 22:45:58 GMT 1 @roan said:

We have three hoses and they are all like yours! Can't someone invent a hose that behaves! Where possible we have installed permanent hoses with little sprinklers for the plants. They work very well especially for our Orchids that like a mist spray.

What is your mains water like, Roan, as we are told to use rain water for our orchids? Or is it any water is better than no water?

[debbiem]

Jul 23, 2008 12:51:40 GMT 1 @4pygmies said:

Jul 22, 2008 23:12:15 GMT 1 @debbiem said:

Thanks Sweetleaf, it played a blinder today, all of the above!

I like the idea of the seepage system too, that would also work really well.


Thanks for these ideas folks - that hose really has had its day.

WONDERFUL poem, Debbie! ;D

The seepage hose is not as wonderful as it sounds...I had one in the PT and it drove me mad as it kept getting blocked up and I was never sure how much had actually been watered..
I don't know if it's a system you could adopt but I have always remembered Geoff Hamilton's simple but effective way of getting a hose around a garden without massacring half the plants - he tapped in stakes at the pertinent points and the hose was pulled around them, he even made them into a decorative feature by sticking a pretty finial on the top. It worked really well with raised beds, but I can't see why it couldn't be adapted to suit any garden...

Thanks 4P - so it's a universal problem then, if Geoff Hamilton himself had elaborate ways of getting round it! ;D

What I am going to do is buy a new spray nozzle to start with, as I have the patience to water the plants and stand there for ages but not the tolerance when it keeps all going wrong! I'll have a go at that first.... :

[roan]

Jul 23, 2008 15:20:41 GMT 1 @madonplants said:

Jul 22, 2008 22:45:58 GMT 1 @roan said:

We have three hoses and they are all like yours! Can't someone invent a hose that behaves! Where possible we have installed permanent hoses with little sprinklers for the plants. They work very well especially for our Orchids that like a mist spray.

What is your mains water like, Roan, as we are told to use rain water for our orchids? Or is it any water is better than no water?

Any water is better than no water, but rain water is definitely best in our part of the world. I would not recommend watering them with acid rain water though!

[4pygmies]

Jul 23, 2008 15:33:07 GMT 1 @debbiem said:

Thanks 4P - so it's a universal problem then, if Geoff Hamilton himself had elaborate ways of getting round it! ;D

What I am going to do is buy a new spray nozzle to start with, as I have the patience to water the plants and stand there for ages but not the tolerance when it keeps all going wrong! I'll have a go at that first.... :

You are definitely not on your own..I have a daily battle with mine...and it's such a long way to the tap when it starts to mess me about....
What always puzzles me, is where does it all go in the winter? Every Autumn I wind mine up by the tap, having spent the summer with it laid out its full length so I can water the top of the PT and the veggie garden...and every Spring, when I start using it again - it's too short....

[debbiem]

Well, my life is transformed! We bought an expensive £14-something attachment from B&Q which has all sorts of different settings, it's made of metal and works! One of the settings is a 'jet' setting and I'm sure I could zap one of the seagulls with it, clean windows, do the car....the other settings range from a fine mist to a vigorous soak. The kids love it too. The hose problems are still there but thanks to the nozzle it's redeemed itself.

Yippee!

[4pygmies]

Well, that's great! But beware, it's early days....that hose will think of a way to mess you about again......
What is this gadget called, please? I think I want one...

[debbiem]

It's in the hose spray attachment section of B&Q - hold on and I'll get the packet......oo-er it's a 'B&Q metal multi function gun set' compatible with most major brands. It's brilliant! The settings are mist,jet(you could try it on the rodent hordes),cone,soaker,quad,flat,shower(lovely), and vertical. It could probably be used to wash the car and windows and the mist spray is lovely to cool you off. William was directing the jet upwards yesterday and the water came plummetting back down all over him.
It's WONDERFUL!

But you're right that hose is already plotting it's next move.........

[4pygmies]

My little (unpointed) RATBUMS ears pricked up at that! Sounds like the sort of gadget that will give the Umpah Lumpahs hours of fun.......and I do wonder if it might be useful helping the Hairy Avenger's with their body hair problem....they HATE this weather as they start to moult and get all itchy and stroppy..it's quite a problem. Plus they do seem to react badly to high pressure in the atmosphere. A good spray with the setting right up might alleviate their skin and grumpiness problems.....
Trouble is, the nearest B&Q is at Wisbech and the Orcs are really dangerous at this time of year - their sexual rut starts in a month and the odour is terrible (people assume it's the rotting Fen vegetables but I know the truth). Plus they're on a knife edge of tension and unsatisfied desire.....(huh, they should try being a menopausal old lady...) I try and avoid Wisbech at the best of times but atm......there would be a bloodbath if the HA's came across the Orcs at the present time......bit tricky to explain....and hardly nice for the children during their school holidays..


NB I do have my doubts about some of the 'children' at the infant schools around Wisbech though - they seem a bit peculiar.....a greenish tinge to their skins, a tendency to growl and the contents of their lunchboxes are downright gruesome........
(I mean their lunchboxes, not their pants - don't EVER go there....even in the young ones.....bleah....)

[debbiem]

Oh we have more than our fair share of Orcs here too, all wandering over the roads without looking at this time of year - think of Sean of the Dead.

The jet postion'll keep them in check......

[4pygmies]

Really?? Orcs in Dorset....I thought it was the Grockles that were the problem down there?

[debbiem]

You're right!

That's their official title.