|
|
Post by mickthecactus on Jan 28, 2008 13:37:42 GMT 1
I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said "no, just a watch".
I told my girlfriend I had a job in abowling alley. She said "tenpin?" I said no, permanent.
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said "nearest the bull goes first". He said "Baah" I said "Moo". He said "you're nearest".
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels". He said "you've got cholera".
|
|
|
|
Post by debbiem on Jan 28, 2008 14:42:29 GMT 1
Sounds like something the Two Ronnies would conjure up. ;D
Brilliant!
|
|
|
|
Post by mickthecactus on Jan 28, 2008 14:42:44 GMT 1
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought "thats Aboriginal".
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I went to a pet shop. I said "can I buy a goldfish?". The guy said "do you want an Aquarium?" I said "I don't care what star sign it is".
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU. I said don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "no, I've got china in my hand."
I got some Armageddon cheese today and it said on the packet "Best before End".
|
|
|
|
Post by debbiem on Jan 28, 2008 15:49:50 GMT 1
Really good. ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by mickthecactus on Jan 28, 2008 16:00:35 GMT 1
Brilliant Mick  have you got any more? ;D More tomorrow.......... |
|
|
|
Post by mickthecactus on Jan 28, 2008 18:15:39 GMT 1
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I was reading this book called "The History of Glue". I can't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "what do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me".
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said "you don't need a tin opener to peel a banana". He said "no. This is for the custard".
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a very thin piece of paper. He said " I want you to trace someone for me".
|
|
|
|
Post by roan on Jan 28, 2008 20:32:06 GMT 1
Great Mick! Keep them coming!
|
|
|
|
Post by Sweetleaf on Jan 28, 2008 21:15:42 GMT 1
 Excellent ;D |
|
|
|
Post by maggyd on Jan 28, 2008 22:37:20 GMT 1
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought "thats Aboriginal". This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. I went to a pet shop. I said "can I buy a goldfish?". The guy said "do you want an Aquarium?" I said "I don't care what star sign it is". Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU. I said don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "no, I've got china in my hand." I got some Armageddon cheese today and it said on the packet "Best before End". Dont stop now Mick your on a roll  |
|
|
|
Post by 4pygmies on Jan 28, 2008 22:47:53 GMT 1
Very good...I like the Armageddon cheese one best.
|
|
|
|
Post by mickthecactus on Jan 29, 2008 9:56:33 GMT 1
I told my mum I'd opened a theatre. She said "are you having me on?". I said, "well, I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything".
I phoned the local builders today. I said to them "can I have a skip outside my house?" He said "I'm not stopping you".
|
|
|
|
Post by debbiem on Jan 29, 2008 10:47:40 GMT 1
Superb - the ramblers one and the tracing one are my faves. ;D They're all brilliant though. 
|
|
|
|
Post by mickthecactus on Jan 30, 2008 13:52:56 GMT 1
This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says "Audi"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny. You couldn't swing a cat in it.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on he shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar". I said, "well, I've been on the telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said "how flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays".
I went to the local video shop and I said "can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said "he's not your type". I said "can I take out Batman Forever?". He said "no, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow".
|
|
|
|
Post by madonplants on Jan 30, 2008 14:01:15 GMT 1
They are all, priceless, Mick. Batman and Kapow is my favourite.
Keep them coming, Mick
Keith
|
|
|
|
Post by debbiem on Jan 30, 2008 20:04:56 GMT 1
Really, really good. |
|
|
|
Post by mickthecactus on Jan 31, 2008 14:05:22 GMT 1
That's it. No more.
|
|
|
|
Post by mickthecactus on Feb 1, 2008 9:48:43 GMT 1
What a shame Mick - has your source dried up? Yes it has Reet. Could be my age though..... |
|
